Heart to Heart:
SeeingBlack.com's Funky Advice Column
Confusing Sex with Intimacy; Beating Bi-Polar
Disorder; and In Love with a Married Man

By Patricia Elam

Agree with this advice? Or not? Talk about it here!

Dear Heart to Heart,

I just want to say that there is no way of knowing if a man really cares for you before you are intimate with him. Even if you wait several months and "get to know him," you will not really know him. You are only going to know that he wants you. I know that this point of view seems very negative but if it were not so, things would not be so bad out there. It seems to me that a man will wait if he wants to have sex with you and if you have a three or four month rule, he will wait but in the meantime he will be with someone else. You know women are so funny, we refuse to see a man for what he is and for what he does and
continually excuse his actions. Whether we make him wait or not, red flags usually go up long before something transpires. It just seems that women refuse to see the red flags.

— Red Flags

Dear Red Flags:
First of all, intimacy should not be confused with sex. In the beginning of a relationship, most women want intimacy and most men want sex. More often than not, women think if they give up the sex, they'll eventually get the intimacy but, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I don't believe that the way to get to know a man is by sleeping with him. Especially before you and he have established a committed relationship. As you yourself said, all you are getting to know is that he desires you sexually. Is that really what you want—to be objectified? If you do not have sex right away, maybe you are right, that he'll leave or have sex with someone else. Then that should be enough to tell you that he is not a person you want to have a relationship with so good riddance, because he's clearly saying he only wants you for sex. If, however, he stays and tries to get to know you by going out, talking, meeting your friends and family and you his, that is how you get to know someone. A man worth having is someone who respects your wishes in this area. Sex is not a need like food, water and shelter, so any man who can't wait to have sex, has a problem.

And I'm not suggesting a "three or four month rule" because those are just random numbers. I'm talking about waiting until you have a committed, exclusive relationship, ideally marriage. And you're right—we must pay attention to those "red flags." As Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! Yes, I know I sound old fashioned but just
because something is old school doesn't mean it's not a good rule. Try it my way why don't you and let me know what you learn about yourself and the undeserving men so many women
give their precious jewels to so freely.

— Heart to Heart

A reader named Kerry wrote a single-spaced seven page letter that was way too long to reprint. Here's my response, though.

Dear Kerry:
You are very courageous to keep going under the circumstances, never giving up. You didn't mention whether you are being treated for the bi-polar disease. That is the most important thing you can do for yourself. If you are receiving consistent treatment then some of the situations you have found yourself in, will not even occur. It sounds like you have a good support system in your boyfriend. Bebe Moore Campbell has a new novel, 72-Hour Hold, about a young lady with bipolar disease and her and her mother's struggle to get help for her. It can be very frustrating, I know. My heart goes out to you but I can tell you are strong and a survivor. There are many free and/or sliding scale clinics that can be helpful to you. Please look under Mental Health in your area's phone book and let us know how you are doing. Wishing you all the best.

— Heart to Heart

Dear Heart to Heart:

I'm in a desperate situation. I am in love with a married man. I have known this man for 8 years. When we met, it was strictly as friends and he and his wife were separated at the time. This man and I have a unique relationship. We have never been involved sexually, although we have shared intimate moments, past and present. More than anything else,
he satisfies my emotional and intellectual needs. The problem is that since he has reconciled with his wife, I don't know how to define the relationship. It's hard to determine whether or not remaining in constant contact and seeing him every now and then is wrong. Sometimes I try to justify things by saying we're not sexually involved, we live 1200 miles apart, I'd never want him to leave his family for me. Sometimes I feel like loving him is wrong. There have been periods of separation but somehow we are always brought back together and he tells me we have a connection that can't be broken. So what I want to know is, is this relationship wrong? If it is, how do you let go when there is such a deep mental and emotional attachment and connection?

—Desparate

Dear Desperate:
If you cannot decide whether your relationship with this man is wrong, then it probably is. Ask yourself, truthfully, if his wife doesn't know about it, do you think she would approve of your
relationship? If not, then it's wrong. Ask yourself truthfully if you were married whether you would want your husband to have a similar relationship with another woman. If the answer
is no, then the relationship is wrong. Also, if this is a secret from his wife, then he has no respect for you or her.

Now, how to let go? By spending time with him, please realize you are also depriving yourself of the opportunity to be in a legitimate, healthy relationship. It is time to figure out what's missing from your own life and take stock of yourself emotionally. What's your faith situation? Have you receive any counseling? Even though you feel such a strong connection to him, this guy is using you. You should get far away from him. Where can the relationship possibly go except to a hurtful place for you and his wife? The hurt you may
experience ending the relationship is much better (and shorter) than what you will experience if you stay in such a relationship.

— Heart to Heart

Need some advice? Patricia Elam is ready to respond. Send your questions to her at heartoheart@seeingblack.com.

— September 2, 2005

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