Heart to Heart:
SeeingBlack.com's Funky Advice Column
Sexually Abused by Online "Dates"

By Patricia Elam

Agree with this advice? Or not? Talk about it here!

Dear Heart to Heart,

What I will tell you is very difficult for me so I hope you will help me.

I am an African woman, in her 30's and I am shy. It is not easy for me to meet other people. Well, I went on the Internet and, on the Internet I was a very loud, opinionated woman on message boards. Many times I had virtual fights, but, to me, they were harmless since they were on the net. I didn't see the big deal.

But people start to ask questions about who I was, and they discovered who I was. I am a shy woman, I have no friends and my family has turned its back on me. I was studying but I lost my scholarship because I was so affected by the death of my father, which changed me completely. I don't want to put all the blame on the death of my father but I started to sleep around, first because I was lonely and, second, because I don't have confidence in that department (relationships) because I am overweight and I have been mocked all my life because of my size. I didn't really want to lose the weight because it was like [I would be agreeing with] others who say I am bad because I am overweight. I always felt like I didn't deserve a man in my life because I am so big.

Anyway I was lonely and I didn't really know how to say no to a man, and every once in a while, I tried discreetly to have a fling. And on that message board I met four men and, yes, I slept with them. I was so scared of rejection that, of course, they rejected me but I tried to console myself by saying: well even if I made them wait, they would have left anyway since men don't really pay attention to me.

After those four guys, I was tired of that life and I met one man and we did it the same night at his insistence, and after that we started to see each other. I was faithful to him in the beginning until I read on that message board how he described our lovemaking. He didn't really identify me but I was shocked, so I said nothing. I cheated on him. And the guy I cheated on him with started to taunt him, I made him stop and he turned against me. Me and the first one continued to see each other but I felt guilty. On the message board he continued to talk about what I did in bed with him as if I was a prostitute. I cheated on him again. He knew the guy and both of them made fun of me. I was living in hell.

Then I met another man. The first time we didn't connect in the chat room, the second time was better. We decided to meet because I just wanted to seek revenge on my man. In fact, I wanted him to say what he did to me in the message board so the other would be surprised. That is exactly what happened. He called me all kind of names and the other dude was boasting how he took me from him. He made comparisons about how he was better than him, etc. I didn't know what to do. Those four men I was with let the new man know that they were with me too. So I knew I had lost a good guy. I started to develop some feeling for that new guy. He sensed it and he stopped the relationship. He stopped talking to me, calling me, e-mailing me. And I was losing my mind, begging him to come back, telling him that I loved him and all he did was send my communications via email to other people, telling this on the message boards, abusing me emotionally.

I backed off but one day I met him by accident and well, we started again. He told me that he had another woman in his life, and I didn't know she was visiting our message board too. What he did was try to make her and me fight over him. I always said no, but she always wanted to challenge me. Well, I just slept with him one last time and I told her what we did, when and how good it was and I insulted him too. After that he tortured me emotionally, insulting me, harassing me, spreading rumors about me.

I went into deep depression because of that guy. After him, I met a guy who asked me what happened between me and that guy. I explained it to him and the next day he told me everything that was on that message board. Another time, I met a guy, we talked, I didn't tell him about the message board, We did nothing but talk and he was telling everybody on that board that I was with him, etc. The worse is that when I was with this man, after the guy who abused me, his new girlfriend told him to tell about what I am doing in bed with them! That woman I have never met, my ex never told me who she is, and I cannot access to his place because of security but this is what she is doing. So I am so caught up in that, I have lost my reputation and now men only want to have sex with me to tell what I am doing in bed.

From the beginning, another guy wanted to record our lovemaking on camera and I always said no, then one day he asked me to record it and I said yes. Then I changed my mind. He said okay you can go back home, which I wanted to do but he held me tighter. He was between me and the door and I was scared because he is tall and he looks strong so I had sex with him. When he went to the shower, I tried to retrieve the tape but I couldn't. He walked in and he asked me what I was doing I told him I am removing that tape. He said it is not a big deal, every couple does that. I told him, well we are not a "couple" so there is no reason for you to keep it. He became enraged, really furious and I got scared. He started to threaten me and I cried. Finally he said he would erase it. I said I would stay until it was really erased and he said "it is time for you to go." He said, "I am gonna call the police on you to remove you from my place. You will be thrown out of my apartment." I cried again, begging him not to do that. After that, I left. I was crying, I was in shock and , I was shaken.

I don't know why he wanted to record me, and why other men have to say what we are doing in bed. I feel so saddened because it is a vicious circle. I did nothing wrong, why do I suffer like that? Why do they do that to me? How can I make that stop? Why do they want to hurt me that much? Why does he have to humiliate me, to crush me like this? Why do other people participate in this? I feel so desperate.

Dear So Desperate:
You have told a long tragic story. I have to admit that I am not very familiar with how message boards work in terms of hooking up with strangers but it doesn't really matter. My advice would be the same to you if the Internet was not involved at all. It's time for you to take a break from all this. Stop your Internet service. Stop yourself from going online at all until you've done some hard, crucial work on yourself first—I'm talking about for a good six months to a year.

I am sorry to hear about your father and do understand that the grieving process is a long one and takes different forms for different people. However, it should never be about harming yourself in the process. I am also sorry that you feel badly about yourself because of your weight. Everyone is not supposed to be the same size and everyone is certainly not supposed to be thin. If someone truly loves and cares for you, your weight should not be a reason for rejection. If you want to lose weight for yourself only, or for a health-related reason, then talk to your doctor about how to do it or join a reputable group like Weight Watchers. (Join in person, not online—stay away from computers!)

Now, I am not going to berate you for your behavior because you seem to feel bad enough but I do want to point out a couple of fallacies in your letter. You were never in a "relationship" with any of the men you slept with. A relationship does not begin by sleeping with someone. It begins with talking, listening, and engaging in public activities (like going to movies, dinner, museums, etc.) of mutual interest that aid in getting to know another person. You learn about his likes, dislikes, friends, work, dreams, fears, etc. And he learns about yours. All this takes time and should, in my opinion, be done way before you sleep with that person.

You must make certain that the person you sleep with cares for, respects and is committed to you before you sleep with them. (Sure you can forego these requirements and have sex just for the sake of having sex but it's pretty dangerous emotionally and physically.) You didn't even mention whether the sex you have been having with these cyber-creeps has been protected sex. I sure hope so. And, as I would like to think you have learned, having empty, scary sex with people you don't know is no way to feel better about yourself.

I would strongly suggest counseling with a licensed therapist. You can find one through your physician, health clinic or a social services agency in your area. Please also read books on healing and self-esteem like "In the Spirit" by Susan Taylor. And if you don't have a spiritual belief or home, perhaps you might begin exploring some in your neighborhood to find what is right for you and your life. I'd also suggest joining a women's organization to get to know other positive-minded women with whom you can form meaningful and supportive friendships. (You don't need to meet any men right now.) Or think about volunteering to tutor or read to needy children or elderly folk—you've got way too much time on your hands.

Good luck. Write back to let us know about your progress. And don't forget—unplug that computer at all costs!!

Need some advice? Patricia Elam is ready to respond. Send your questions to her at heartoheart@seeingblack.com.

— December 12, 2004

© Copyright 2001-05 Seeing Black, Inc. All Rights Reserved.