Heart to Heart:
SeeingBlack.com's Funky Advice Column
Money Trouble, Office Blues and Bewildered in N.Y

By Patricia Elam

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Dear Heart to Heart:
I have a friend who is still very much in love with her ex. I don’t like the way he treats her. He doesn’t return her phone calls or respond to her emails. I encourage her to move on and date other people but she’s afraid to. She’s such a beautiful girl and it’s amazing how shy she gets when we go out. I want to help her but she always seems reluctant. I know she wants him back but no success. Seeing her mope is killing me. Help!
—Wishing I Could

Dear Wishing I Could:
It’s admirable that you want to help your friend but it’s difficult to want more for someone than they want for themselves. You didn’t say how long ago the breakup occurred so perhaps your friend just needs more time to grieve the former relationship. If it’s been longer than six months though, you’re right, it’s time for her to think about moving on. But moving on doesn’t have to mean dating again. She may just need to sort things out by herself for awhile. Keep an eye on her, continue encouraging her to go out with you and when the time comes perhaps you can set her up on a blind date with someone you know who treats women well.

Dear Heart to Heart:
I have a bad habit of not wanting to open my bills. I literally fear them. I get them and throw them in a corner, especially since I cannot pay them. I have two garnishments on my paycheck and cannot pay right now. I would like to write my creditors and say something but I do not know where to start. Any suggestions?
—Money Trouble

Dear Money Trouble:
Sounds like you are in over your head. Definitely cut up the credit cards if you haven’t already. Then bite the bullet and write or call your creditors. You don’t want all this to come back to haunt you when you want to purchase a house or car later on. Be honest with your creditors—let them know what is going on and give a realistic date when you think you will be able to send them something. Don’t let them pressure you into a date or an amount that will cause you more stress, though. Then do the best you can to honor your agreements and if for some reason you are unable to comply, always let the creditor know. In the meantime, pick up a copy of "Money Meditations for Women," a book of daily meditations about our relationship with our money.

Dear Heart to Heart:
I have some white women in my office who talk down to me and never answer when I say "Hello" or "Good Morning." I also notice that they pretend I am not there at meetings and turn their heads or look at their feet on the elevator. I don’t care that they don’t want to speak but I think that fundamental good manners are important in the work place. How should I handle this?
PS - I have a well-kept head of locks and dress nicely to come to work.
—Office Blues

Dear Office Blues:
It is interesting that you added the comment about your locks being well-kept and the way that you dress. I did not assume that there was anything wrong with your physical appearance but your comment suggests to me that your co-workers’ negative treatment is affecting your self-esteem. Based on your letter, it seems you have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. Your co-workers are the ones with the problem. Perhaps this can be addressed in one of your staff meetings. Is there a supervisor you can discuss this issue with and ask that it be put on the agenda? If not, you might try a one-on-one confrontation with each woman. You do not need to sink to their level but you can let them know that you don’t understand or appreciate their rude and childish behavior and would like them to change their ways. Good luck!

Dear Heart to Heart:
I was with this guy for almost seven years. He is my first love but he never treated me the way I should be treated. He says he loves me but leaves me when he feels things are not going his way. He left me in 2003 and came back this year in January 2004 telling me how much he loved me and that no other woman can compare. Well here it is February and I am left alone just like last year, confused and hurt while he has moved on with his life. Why does he keep waltzing in and out of my life at his convenience? I love him very much. What should I do? Please help.
—Lonely 2004

Dear Lonely 2004:
You ask why he keeps "waltzing in and out" and the answer is: because you let him. It is important to remember that while we can't change other people, we can change ourselves and how we respond to situations that seem to repeat themselves in our lives. This guy sounds toxic, so the question becomes why you have let him back after his callous treatment? It sounds like you know you deserve better but you need to do the inner work to feel good enough about yourself so you don't allow anyone to treat you badly ever again. Remember that old song that went something like, "I can do bad by myself..." It's healthier to be alone than with someone who disrespects you. Stay strong and good luck.

Dear Heart to Heart:
My friend has been unhappy for the past several years. She has been married for a long time but has been in contact for the last few years with an old flame from the past. Now she wants to spend time and maybe the rest of her life with him. Her husband found out by having someone invade her email and follow her friend. The husband no longer trusts her but will not let her go. She is no longer in love with her husband but still loves him. Her leaving would cause disruption to her family (kids and husband) but her desire is to be happy. We all know happiness has a price.
—Bewildered in NY

Dear Bewildered in NY:
First of all, your "friend" needs to understand that no other person can make you happy and happiness based on the existence or non-existence of a relationship is not true happiness (because of its transient nature). So your friend must become happy on her own and only then will she be able to make the right decision regarding her future. It is clear that she is not ready to leave her marriage because she says her husband "won't let her go." (If he's not holding a gun to her head, this assertion has no validity.), Has she tried counseling? If not she and her husband should go immediately. If he's not willing to go, she should go alone. And then after counseling, if she finds that her marriage is not salvagable (and not because she wants to be with someone else), she can take the necessary steps to end it. Sure it will be difficult for all but her family will adjust. In the meantime, she should absolutely not become sexually involved with the other man until her marriage has ended. (If she already has, she should stop).

Dear Heart to Heart:
What does a woman have to do to be acknowledged on her birthday? On my 40th, he had dinner with clients at work. We knew in advance about the conflict, so I suggested he take me to dinner at another time. Well that did not happen. So along came my 50th and I brought up the dinner idea again and well, you guessed it—it still did not happen. I also suggested a weekend for just the two of us (arranged by him since I'm the one who does all the arranging in this household). Instead I got some beautiful roses and an I.O.U. My 51st birthday is a few months away. What do you suggest?
—Still Waiting

Dear Still Waiting:
You must decide which is more important: that he do the arranging or that you two spend your birthday the way you want. (The two seem to be mutually exclusive.) If you insist he do the planning, you may be setting yourself up for another disappointment. If on the other hand you continue in your role and line up the babysitter, pick the location, dial the number and then pass him the phone, you can have the birthday you desire and deserve. Relationships call for compromise and appreciation. Remind him of this and show him this column. Appreciate that he's willing to let you set it up and then go ahead and plan your birthday bash to the hilt! Happy 51st!

Need some advice? Patricia Elam is ready to respond. Send your questions to her at heartoheart@seeingblack.com.

— April 16, 2004

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