Heart to Heart:
SeeingBlack.com's Funky Advice Column

By Patricia Elam

Agree with this advice? Or not? Talk about it here!

Dear Heart to Heart:
I'm recently separated, and I feel a little alone. I know that I'm a strong African American woman, but it feels cold out here for some reason. It's been so long since I've been on my own, I feel like I've lost my footing. Just need to know that there are others sistahs out there who can understand my situation.
—Starting Over

Dear Starting Over:
First of all, there are definitely plenty of other "sistahs" sharing your pain. There are also many, while alone, who are not lonely—a condition to strive for. You don't say how long you were in the relationship or whether the separation is permanent or temporary but regardless, your feelings are normal. I get the sense that you are uncomfortable not being in a relationship which is dangerous because it could lead you to get into something that's not right or worse, toxic. Instead, use this time (don't worry about how long) to get to know yourself better. This will be an asset whether the two of you reunite or not. In the paraphrased words of Beyonce, become your own best friend. Pamper yourself with some time at a spa, keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Join an exercise class, a book club , an organization that embraces your politics or sense of adventure (ie. Transafrica, Black Ski, etc.). Dine alone at a restaurant, see a movie alone then hook up with your girlfriends (but don't talk about men!). Consider volunteering with those needier than you (troubled youth, battered women, elderly folk, border babies, etc.) Get busy doing something that takes your mind off your problems and feelings of isolation. One of the best ways to help ourselves is through helping someone else. Write back in a few months to let Heart to Heart know how you are doing.

Dear Heart to Heart:
I have a friend who's had a string of unsuccessful relationships with stunning (but completely dysfunctional) sistas. For the past few months he's been involved with a woman who is attractive, smart, warm, funny—and most importantly, sane. Only thing is he claims to have no chemistry with this one. (She thinks the world of him, though.) What would you advise old boy? Stick around, because she makes sense and will probably be his best shot at a stable relationship or drop her and pursue someone else who gives him a rush? I am inclined to tell him to stick with the sista, given his track record, but then again, I ain't an impartial observer...
—Sparkless in Seattle

Dear Sparkless:
Hmmmm. What is this "friend" (wink, wink) looking for exactly? Why did he have repeated relationships with dysfunctional women? Makes me think he's been pursuing folk based on surface priorities, looking for that "jones in the bones" feeling first as opposed to letting that thang blossom out of friendship the way it is supposed to. Remember if there's nothing behind that "rush," then there's nothing there when the rush is gone. This is why I advocate, for those seeking more than a sexual partner, holding off on sex as long as possible—it tends to leave a haze that keeps you from seeing things clearly. Your friend doesn't sound like a shallow guy so what's his hurry? Is his male biological clock ticking or something? My first suggestion is for him to slow down and stop believing that he may have to settle for less than what he wants—no one should give up on his/her dream but one does have to be patient. Secondly, he needs to be as honest as he can with the woman he's seeing. He should not lead her on and if she's as smart as he says, she probably has already noticed things are a bit tepid in the romance department. Tell him to have a long, sensual conversation with her about what turns each other on. If he's feeling shy perhaps they could begin by watching some videos with great love (not sex) scenes (Ghost, Notorious, Edward Scissorhands, Antwonne Fisher, Three Days of the Condor, Mississippi Masala, Monsoon Wedding, Crazy Beautiful, to name a few). Either she's the one or she's not. If not, he shouldn't try to fake it. Tell your friend to write back and let us know how he made out, pardon the pun.

Dear Heart to Heart:
I have always been attracted to older men. Recently, though, I have met a younger man. I'm 34, he's 29. He's witty, compassionate and enjoys the arts (a rare find). There is a part of me that feels this attraction is out of kilter, making me feel off balance. Am I riding a high horse that needs to have room for two saddles?
—Wondering in Texas

Dear Wondering:
Don't you remember that cliche, "Age ain't nothin but a number"? Well, hello, it's true! And if it was the other way around (older man, younger woman) you would think nothing about a 5 year age difference, am I right? So stop judging yourself so harshly on this one. The guy sounds great; he's interested, you're interested - what's the hold up? Delete those negative messages from your mind every time they appear. Girl, you better go ahead and saddle up!

Dear Heart to Heart:
I am a 37 year old woman who wants to have a serious relationship leading to marriage and children. Last year I had a brief affair with a man who had been divorced the year before. I have not been able to get over him and move on. I have dated other men but have not felt the same way about them as I still feel about him. Unfortunately we have continued to sleep together once in a while. He usually doesn't want to but I persuade him. I know this is terrible but I'd rather have a little than nothing. I am worried that I am only attracted to men who don't love me back. My main question is how can I stop myself from contacting him? How can I fall out of love (if this is love) and move on?
—Desperate D

My ex-boyfriend broke my heart after breaking up with me for the third time in seven months. It was supposed to be a mutual decision but off he went and made the call without me. Well since then, he's started liking some girl he knew from college. When Ms. Thing does a number on him, the way he did on me, then he comes running to me for advice. Well I finally got to say my piece after he'd been dodging me. I kicked him out of my car and went home. I haven't heard anything from him. I don't understand why I'm expecting to hear from him, especially since that conversation was my farewell and good riddance to his mess speech. What should I do know? Knowing that I didn't get the closure I sought doesn't make the pain and expectation easier to bear.
—Wemi

Dear Desperate and Wemi:
It's time for you two to go inward and ask (maybe through journaling) yourself why in the world you want the crumbs these men sometimes toss your way? You obviously feel worse after you've accepted them so stop ignoring those feelings. It sounds like you don't need to be in any relationship right now (check my answer to Starting Over) other than with yourselves. Try to just form friendships with men and leave sex out of the equation until you understand its limitations and consequences. And in terms of how to stop yourself from contacting these fellas, please remember that you are the master of your mind, no one else. I know it's easier said than done, but the point is that it can be done with determination. Make up your mind that you are finished with them. When you feel weak, call someone else—enlist your girlfriends to be on standby. You'd do it for them, wouldn't you?

Need some advice? Patricia Elam is ready to respond. Send your questions to her at heartoheart@seeingblack.com.

-- December 19, 2003

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